she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
