every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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