i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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