my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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