I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
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The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
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We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize