And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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