I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
