very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
