I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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