he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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