the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
