matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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