Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
