I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He felt like a one man threesome
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
That's how pantless uber rides happen
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
