Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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