I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
