Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
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he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
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You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.