The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
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She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
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You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted