god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking