Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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