Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
