you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize