so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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