The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
