I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
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I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
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Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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