When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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