I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
