I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
