mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
