Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We left an ass print on the piano.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
