youre lurking in front of me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
