my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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