Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
