omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
