i think my mom watched the whole time
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
