I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
