I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
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