She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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