somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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