I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
