I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
