Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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