So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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