She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
