she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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