I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
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It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
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The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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