If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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