It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
