If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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