remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
