I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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