Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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