I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
