on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
