Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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