i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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