my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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